By your side

We are currently looking for a new home.

A home, whether it be big or small, old or new, can reach it's walls around our little family and hold us in it for the next few years.

A place where our life will unfold for what we hope to be a few years or maybe less.

A place that will house our children's earliest of memories, whose walls will absorb their laughter and tears.

A place whose windows will be covered in fingerprints and noses pressed up against them while the littles enjoy watching the outside.

Until our home comes along we ride side by side, venturing onto new streets and towns that either make my heart melt for their picturesque being, or make me cry out to move back to California because of how grandly they disappoint.

I have no idea where we are going.

All I know is that with our young ones making their noises behind us, my hand reaches out to yours to hold onto you.

I'm not so uncertain about where we are going, because I'm going there with you.

There is no other place I would want to be, than by your side.

L.X.

Ah, my young crazy boy, how you entertain us!

We are coming into that time they label as "terrible two's" I can feel it coming on and I am shaking in my boots.

Please go easy on us child!

You are pure spunk!

And charm.

You love to dance, wash your cars in the bath, ask for candy, and staying up late.

You love to make your little brother laugh by jumping or running around.

Spring is here and along with the warmer weather it has brought along family picnics in the park and playing catch with your daddy.

You like to try all of the "big kid" things at the park, it's as if you are just dying to grow up.
Every day is fun with you. And filled with kisses and hugs.

Their have been more times than I can count where you have given me the happiest of moments: just earlier today while watching Tom and Jerry on YouTube together I realized you had reached out to hold onto my shoulder. I adore the moments you want me close to you.
I will always have your back, Little one.

Love Mommy

Jude

I have written you a hundred letters in my head. Somehow the days get past me before I realize they are gone. Such is life.

You are a joy. Purely.

I can't contain my love for you.

I remember thinking at 3 months, I wish he could stay three months forever.

And I said it again at 4.

Somehow for whatever reason, God ignored my plea. And now you are 5 months, a boy who rolls, and who can reach out and grab toys in front of you. And I wish I could go back to just a few more days of you being 3 or 4 months.

I only wish that because I am selfish.

I don't ever want to hold you back from experiencing the world around you. And now that you are growing older I see you get to know it.

It's a wonderful world for you Jude. Filled with Lollipops, big grass fields that go on forever, sunshine that can warm up your soul, magical fireflies, and planes that soar through the sky. It's filled with laughter and love and miracles. It's filled with tiny birds, and caramel apples, big red barns and endless possibilities.
I hope you never for a moment feel that you are unloved, because that wouldn't be possible.
I see your daddy in you. Which makes me incredibly happy because I imagine a lifetime of people telling you that you resemble him. And what an awesome man to be compared to.

You are still just the most pleasant person to be around. I have tried to rack my brain for things that bother you and the only one I can come up with is car rides. You dislike car rides, that is all. How easy going you are, if you keep this up people will start comparing you to your father in more than just your looks.

Jude August, oh I adore you. My life has become infinitely better with you in it.

Dear me,

Here is a letter to my 16 year old self

Lulu, (I have a pet name for myself)

You are about to have your heart broken. And it will

feel unbearable. It really will.

But breathing will persist. And you will be better for the pain.

Your dad is going to sit on the end of your bed and cry with you. Let him.

He will be your best friend someday. And when he walks you down the aisle, you will embrace him and whisper "I loved you first"

You go to great lengths to never be seen in glasses, one day you won't care.

You'll find yourself looking in the mirror and not recognizing yourself without frames upon your face.

All of those baby names you have written down in that journal, just cross them out. You won't use any of them.

The ache you have to pretend you are other people will never ever leave you. At least not yet, and I hope it never leaves us because it is such a big part of who we are.

Go to college. Just do it.

Or maybe not, because instead you meet the man of your dreams.

So tell yourself you will go later. And move to New York. But take pictures, and live.

And start dreaming now of being a mommy to boys. They will be your everything.

You will still hate your thighs, but actually come to love being the color of milk.

God is faithful. Wrap your heart up with him, and you will be just fine always. Even if you do have to cry sometimes.